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Does Having Kids Make You Happier Here’s What Science Says

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It is not necessary to have children to be fulfilled, although having them can foster a sense that life is worth living.  Trudy Meehan and Jolanta Burke are Lecturer and Senior Lecturer respectively at the Centre for Positive Psychology and Health at the RCSI University of Medicine and Health Sciences, Dublin, Ireland.

But is this the case? The answer to this question is both simple and complex. The sense of fulfillment one feels in one’s life, whether one decides to have children or not, depends on a wide variety of factors.

Let’s first look at the simple answer: no, we don’t need to have children to be happy and fulfilled.

Studies of women who have chosen not to become mothers show that most have a strong sense of identity and individuality. They do not feel defined by their role in the family and feel they have more freedom and control over their bodies, lives, and futures. Childless women also report greater financial stability, although it is not necessary to have a higher socioeconomic status to appreciate the decision not to have children.

On average, women and men who do not have children are also less stressed, and report greater satisfaction with their marriage.

There is little research on the experiences of single men without children—and even less on the experiences of transgender or queer people. However, one study of men who chose to forgo fatherhood found that most were happy with their decisions and welcomed the greater freedom they had in their lives. Only a few expressed regret about their choice, mainly because they would not leave an inheritance .

The Paradox of Parenthood

It’s when it comes to deciding whether or not to have children that things get a little more complicated.

While parents can undoubtedly live happy and fulfilled lives, the satisfaction they feel with this decision generally takes time and can also depend on multiple factors over which they have no control.

Initially, many parents experience a  temporary decline in well-being  after the birth of a child, a phenomenon known as the  “parenting paradox .” A new baby can interfere with meeting many basic needs, such as sleep, food, and socializing. This can lead to unhappiness.

Heterosexual women also report being more unhappy than men when they become parents. This may be because the burden of care tends to fall disproportionately on them.

However having good family and social support, an active and equally invested co-parent, and living in a region with supportive work and family policies can offset the stress and costs of raising children.

This is probably why Norwegian women do not report a loss of happiness when they have children, as Norway has many family-friendly policies that allow both parents to raise their offspring while pursuing a career .

While parenting can be challenging, it doesn’t mean that happiness, joy, and a more fulfilling life are impossible to achieve. The experience of parenting can lead to a profound form of well-being, which is called “eudaimonic.” This is the feeling that our lives are worth living, which is different from short-term happiness.

Both men and women can experience eudaimonic well-being when they become parents. But for women, the increase in eudaimonic well-being also depends on the balance between their parenting tasks and those of their partner.

Dealing with regrets

Another major concern is whether one will regret not having had children.

It is reassuring to note that research among older people who have not had children shows that many of them report feeling fulfilled and resilient in the face of mental health problems.

It seems that the main key to being happy with your decision to have children or not depends on feeling in control of that decision. When you feel like you’ve chosen your path, you tend to take responsibility for your decisions and get greater satisfaction from them.

But what if that choice was taken away from you, that is, you wanted a child but didn’t get one? Can you be happy in that case? Our study shows that the answer is a resounding “yes.”

We looked at the consequences of childlessness in 161 British women who wanted to become mothers but were unable to do so for various reasons, such as being unable to find a partner or being infertile. Participants were aged between 25 and 75.

We found that, on average, the well-being of the participants was no different from that of the general public. While 12% of them were experiencing this situation badly (they felt like their life had no purpose), 24% were thriving psychologically, reporting the highest level of mental health. The rest experienced moderate levels of well-being.

Interestingly, for some, the effort to have a child resulted in post-traumatic growth. This term refers to the positive psychological changes that occur after a traumatic event. Women with the highest levels of well-being reported that focusing on new possibilities in their lives, outside of being a mother, helped them improve their well-being.

Studies of men who were unable to have children due to infertility show that many experienced sadness afterward, although this sadness lessened with age. But as with women who were involuntarily deprived of children, rethinking their identity and role in society outside of fatherhood helped many of them find meaning and satisfaction in their lives.

Does parenthood lead to happiness? Does childlessness make us unhappy? The answers to these questions are not as simple as they seem. The happiness or fulfillment we feel depends on many factors, many of which are beyond our control. While how we choose to give meaning to our lives is indeed a key factor, so too are the social support we receive for becoming parents and the political climate in which we live.

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