In the era of the superwoman
You are confronted through the media with the cult of perfection and performance. Social pressure pushes you to be accomplished on all levels: to succeed in your professional career, and your life as a woman, wife, lover, and mother as well, by giving your children an admirable education.
The perfect mother seeks to make the idea she has of the ideal mother and the role she plays fit perfectly. Ultimately, there is no room for the child in this idea.
In the perfect mother, there is also the one who wants to satisfy her child at all costs and be everything to him. This mother gives everything to her child even before he feels (and therefore expresses) the desire.
Knowing how to frustrate your child
But if your child is given food, for example, before he even has the “appetite”, he is robbed of the desire and therefore the pleasure of hunger, then of the pleasure of being satisfied. Trying to unfailingly meet all his needs also deprives him of frustration. But by refusing something to your child, or by delaying the moment of satisfying him, you teach him this feeling necessary for his education.
You show him limits and give him guidelines, which reassures him because you prove to him that you love him by showing him what is not good for him.
Donald Winnicott spoke of a “good enough” mother. That you feel the desire to do your best, a most laudable intention… But between the advice (and sometimes the injunctions) of those around you, the memories of your education, and the intuition you have about what is best for your child, it is not easy to find your way.
Perfection is something we strive for even if we know it is unattainable. The problem with the perfect mother is that she pursues this utopia and therefore heads towards an inevitable disappointment, which can be accompanied by stress and even depression.
Being perfect to feel loved
Every mother wants to be loved in return. So it’s tempting to give your child everything and make yourself indispensable… in the hope that they’ll love you. Except that your child needs to be able to do without you as they grow up.
When the time comes for him to assert himself, he will feel the need to oppose you. Faced with a perfect mother, this can seem difficult. How can you question your authority if you are irreproachable? He may feel guilty for daring to contradict you… and feel quite incapable of living up to it… It’s not easy to free yourself.
To a perfect mother…imperfect children.
Being a perfect mother is not a magic potion to have a perfect child for sure. We often reap the opposite effect to that expected. In addition to the fact that your child may become discouraged by so much perfection, he will also be subject to other influences – fortunately – in his environment, at school… and will see that if the world is far from perfect, he is not worse off quite the contrary. By accepting your imperfection and that of your child, by letting him fend for himself and make his own mistakes… you are giving him the freedom to grow.
A perfect mother… meant imperfect.
If you remain yourself, with your uncertainties, your questions, your reassessments… you show that you are not infallible and thus offer him the possibility of accepting his flaws. He understands that he must not be discouraged by his failures and remains worthy of being loved.
It is through the example you give that he builds himself. When you make a mistake, when you recognize it, when you try to remedy it: he gains the freedom to do the same; he too has the right to fumble, to correct his aim.
Finally, the ideal mother is perhaps the one who does not seek to be perfect: who is attentive, loving, and generous, but remains herself with her good and bad sides. You are not lacking in small faults – you have your mood swings, your moments of laziness, your sorrows… – it is reassuring. You are a role model, certainly, but an accessible role model, which allows your child to gain self-confidence. At the age of the adolescent crisis, it is important that he can rebel and express his aggressiveness. But you too have every right and even the duty to rebel and send him packing… Your child is not in front of a wall, but in front of a mother who has emotions, feelings, and strong reactions sometimes: it is liberating for him. He needs a space for differentiation.
Embracing the fact of being a mother…who does what she can
But while we may not always do what we want, perhaps the important thing is to simply do what we can. By giving your child the essential care he needs, and by devoting time and attention to him, you show him your love.
Your child needs a mother who feels good about herself, who is happy, who can live without him. Wanting to be perfect creates stress and leads to inevitable disappointment and dissatisfaction in the end.
So allow yourself to think about yourself a little. Take time to do what you like (you are tired: you have the right to take a nap to recover, to read a good book without feeling self-conscious, etc.). Live your life as a woman (by leaving your child with you from time to time so you can go out), by doing a sport or a hobby that you like… it is a gift that you are giving to your child.
He can only appreciate having a mother who is in great shape and relaxed rather than exhausted and struggling to take care of him when she can’t take it anymore! Your child is happy to feel that you are happy. If you like your job, so much the better! It is better to have a mother who has a fulfilling professional life and is happy to see her child in the evening than a mother who confines herself to the role of perfect mother that does not suit her. By understanding that you have a life without him, your child can allow himself to have one without you as he grows up.
Accepting being a mom who can’t take it anymore
It is sometimes difficult when you have just had a baby that everyone is ecstatic about, to feel sadness where you should (it seems to us) only feel joy. A newborn takes up a lot of your time. He requires a lot of care, an enormous amount of energy… You have the right to feel overwhelmed and drained of all energy…
If you experience negative feelings, don’t feel guilty. You’re not a bad mother for all that. Talk about it to those around you, get help, “surround” by those around you. And if the sadness persists, consult your doctor who will help you get through this difficult time.